I should name this blog, “ Today I realized.”
I am looking back and seeing the many chapters in my life for the lessons they were meant to teach.
My childhood, the feeling of abandonment by both my parents. My teen years when I felt unstable and directionless, craving guidance but was so lost didn’t even know that’s what I wanted or, in my case, so desperately needed. My marriage, which was unloving, lonely & dark. Troubles with my son who was addicted to heroin which left me with heavy feelings of guilt & shame.
While each of these episodes played out, I always wanted to be someplace else. To run far away to a different place. To find my someplace over the rainbow of peace joy and happiness.
Although there were times of happiness, I was never happy in the moment. Something was always off- I constantly saw things through a clouded lens. There was always judgment and criticism. Always deep sadness clouding my life.
Looking back I realized it all needed to happen. While in it, I tried so desperately to understand why things where going bat shit crazy. Why life was giving me this bull crap.
I stopped looking for the reasons why certain things were happening and shifted my thoughts to, “life is working for me”- things will work out for me. It was a thought of surrender, of letting go and letting the Divine work in my life.