I am on this thing about changing direction. For so long, writing about my healing journey. Looking for ways to heal my heart. Trying to find ways to be out of the anxiety and depression that lingered on the edge of my daily existence. Looking at the triggers that caused it, looking for a reason, diving into my past like it contained some hidden treasure holding the answers to all my fucked up thoughts.
Illusions. The stress, anxiety and depression was all based on illusions from narratives my amazing creative mind made up.
Conditioning. Years of conditioning my mind to think in patterns of negativity and self doubt.
Emotions. Emotions held in the body, trapping the feelings so deep that the only way for me to really feel was to trigger them through repeated behavior.
I want new ways. New behaviors. New thoughts. New stories. I do not want to fall back on the old ways. The power is in my hands to do what I want. I have the power to choose my thoughts resulting in a new way.
What is the way to this new way? Rewiring the neural pathways of the brain to think in new patterns.
What are the new patterns? What thought loops do I want repeated. The old fucking story of hurt, why I am hurt, why I am suffering, what happened in my past to cause me to be this way?
Now, new story. New patterns. New loops.