Turning 50 Reflections

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 50. It is a milestone for me for some reason. Although I am neither  sad nor upset in turning 50, there is a particular nervous energy that is around it.

I feel that the last 50 years of my life has been spent collecting the wisdom needed to live the next part of my life.  The next 50, the last part of my life and, in my gut, I feel, it will be the best part.

So what up? Whats up with all of these emotions?  I must be releasing some shit because I have been crying a lot-letting go, loosening my grip on controlling outcomes.

Beneath these emotions, I can hear my inner voice whispering

-take big leaps, live boldy, get out, find new things.

Are these things scaring me?  Somewhat. Things like this use to energize me but I know these are big steps and big steps take lots of courage.

The Universe knows when you are ready. How? Well, you tell it what you want and then you open your arms to receive it.

I am ready for big leaps and bold living. What does that look like? Well, not sure but bring it and lets see what comes about!!  OMG! Too exciting!

Bring it 50!!

Letting the Magic Happen

Yesterday, when I was feeling low cuz shit wasn’t going my way, I drew strength from inspirational quotes on Facebook and Instagram.  It gave me hope to keep my head up. It reminded me that, the Universe was working for me. It reminded me that I have been through this kind of crap before and, in the end, things all worked out for the best.

Yesterday, I meditated and the things that were circling in my mind, getting me upset, I sent love on.

Yesterday, I kept reminding myself, that when I release and let go of things, (because I can’t control it anyway and when I do, it makes things worse), all is worked out. I don’t have to put effort into it.

Two weeks ago, my son and I got into a huge fight.  Instead of trying to fix it and pushing at him to talk things out, I let it go.  I sent love to the whole experience and to him. Yesterday, my son called me. Yesterday gave the proof that letting go, sprinkling the situation with thoughts of love, and letting the Universe do its job, that things work out.  There is a wizard behind the curtain, taking my love and making my life turn out just as I hope and wish.

That was yesterday. Today, I have even more faith and hope that when you ask, all is granted to you. It may not seem like it during the fruition stage but, it does happen.

May the force of the Universe be with you xo

Expecting it My Way

When everything is rolling along, looking good, lining up as hoped for, I start to create expectations and narratives of how the future will play out.

Then, snafu, something unexpected happens, fear sets in and the narratives turn from sunny to dark. Turmoil starts in my mind and immediately, I want to retreat or lash out in angry frustration.

I am a princess in this way, wanting all to go how I had made it up in my mind. I want to be in control and “know” how things are going to roll out in its perfect way. I want to see how things are coming because this gives me a sense of security.

But, the Universe has  more wise way of rolling out my life and, as always, it has taken over the reigns. I was pouty and upset but this time, I am saying: ” Ok, then, fuck it, just take over, do what you want to do, you know best anyway, right? ”

I thought my part-time job would go a certain way. I thought when someone said, “I really enjoy getting together with you”, they would put an effort into getting together with you.

I fight these things to make them go my way. But, what if the Universe knows better. What if there is something better, waiting for me and the only way to get it is by letting go of expectations, my expectations.

I asked for the strength to let go today.

Makin’ It

One of my intentions for 2017 is to be better with my finances.  I spend more than I make, I spend money before I have it and have been drawing off my IRA to live.

Although this bothers me, it seems like a revolving pattern. Its feast or famine.

I decided 2017 is going to be different.

With this intention in place, I have been tight on money for the first part of the year. I lost a renter (a source of income for me), I went out to California, resulting in short hours at my job and had to put unexpected expenses into my car.

There were times that I was ready to cave–run back to my parents, live in my rental (its cheaper for me up north), or say fuck it, I am cashing in my whole retirement.  I wanted the security and knowing that money was supporting me.

But, I kept reminding myself.  Today, I am ok.  Today, all my bills are paid.  Today, I have money for groceries.  Today the Universe is supporting me.

I have been making it day by day and this is helping me make it month by month.

Now, I am getting more hours at work, I have a second job serving, my apartment has a new tenant and I am selling some Arbonne too.

Did the Universe test me? Probably, it likes to see if you are serious.  See, you won’t get financial abundance that sticks until you prove that you can manage your money.  I can Universe!! (I have to get some Tony Robbins books!  lol)

I had a heart full of gratitude this morning. I made it through a difficult time.  Although there was some support from my family, the biggest thing that sustained me was the Faith in knowing that there is a force greater than myself that is always looking out for me.

I made it-thank you Universe!!!

Out of Routine-No Problem

For those of you following my 6 week commitment of daily meditation and “morning insights” writing, today’s post is kind late. I am away from home. My schedule is thrown off. I had to watch my grandson this morning.

Excuses for not posting this morning? No, not really. I started wondering, with great curiosity I may ad, how I would fit this commitment in being away from my normal routine at home over the weekend.

I love routines because they ground me, but most of all, they are predictable-no surprises. But life is far from predictable. People die all of sudden, people leave my life out of the blue, things change, etc etc.

The wisdom that I got out of today is that routines are nice, predictability is fine if you need to know whats coming, but you need to be able to adjust to how life unfolds in a non-attachment kind of way.

The Universe threw out a lot of tests to me today. Some, like this writing not in the morning, turned out good, I was like-I will get to it.  Others, like dealing with my son and all that I had going on, was somewhat stress filled.

I didnt’ get to mediate this morning. So what.  I did do my daily writing. Thats a big deal.  Are either more important than the other? I think not.

I lived a life of adjusting to what was today.  xo