Turning 50 Reflections

Tomorrow is my birthday. I will be 50. It is a milestone for me for some reason. Although I am neither  sad nor upset in turning 50, there is a particular nervous energy that is around it.

I feel that the last 50 years of my life has been spent collecting the wisdom needed to live the next part of my life.  The next 50, the last part of my life and, in my gut, I feel, it will be the best part.

So what up? Whats up with all of these emotions?  I must be releasing some shit because I have been crying a lot-letting go, loosening my grip on controlling outcomes.

Beneath these emotions, I can hear my inner voice whispering

-take big leaps, live boldy, get out, find new things.

Are these things scaring me?  Somewhat. Things like this use to energize me but I know these are big steps and big steps take lots of courage.

The Universe knows when you are ready. How? Well, you tell it what you want and then you open your arms to receive it.

I am ready for big leaps and bold living. What does that look like? Well, not sure but bring it and lets see what comes about!!  OMG! Too exciting!

Bring it 50!!

I am Worthy

Staring at a blank page, not knowing what to write about. The mind full of thoughts, none containing depth or wisdom that I want to share.

They are, what I refer to as, circling thoughts. Emotionally charged experiences from yesterday, last week, last year. Thoughts that are floating in and out of awareness, pictures of faces that crossed my path. Feelings that streamed through my heart. Gratitude, frustration, anxiety, joy, happiness, love-all these encompassed in thoughts circling in my mind.

All through my life, whatever I had, there always seemed to be something missing.  I never fully appreciated what I already had-it was never enough. My job, marriage, friends, family, money, possessions, within all of these things whatever was already there, was never enough. I would think that by searching and seeking into the next thing, the next friend, the next job, the next experience, that my happiness would finally come.

I walked away from this writing before writing that. I cried. It was not out of tears of sadness, but of gratitude. I had the full realization that all that I ever wanted, or needed, I  have it, right now, today.

I am surrounded by people who love me, I have a great job, I have awesome friends, I live in a city I love, my family is freakin amazing and my life is just how I had always wanted it to be.

For the first time, I think ever, I felt deserving of all of these things that my heart had yearned for. That’s the real reason why I cried.  I realized I am worthy. I am worth my weight in gold -finally, I believe it.

How did I get here? How do others, find this place?  What are the secrets to unlock the doors to this part of a journey?  Questions to ponder, maybe with wise friends.